Love is in the air

People that know me, know that I have loved and loved very hard, have also been very hurt and over the years have developedf a hardened shell to the mushy gushy stuff of love.

I even just stopped looking, no matter what came by way I had zero interest I just pulled blinders over my eyes, so only the worst in people and held love on a pedestal that would remain out of my reach because I didnt want to climb up to it.

Over this time I even did have a relatioship that almost went as far as marriage but had no substance, I kep the intimacy of spirit and soul, at bay because I didnt want to get dissappointed so I just kept myself safe and when it was over, I wasnt even the least bit sad. It had run it's course, and I realized that maybe a relationship wasnt for me. It had lost its beauty.

Under neat this hardened shell and impossibly high wall around my heart, is the heart of a romantic. I say I dont really ever want to get married, because of things like, I just want to have all my time with my kids, or I am too focused right now, or I dont have time for dating, and so on and so forth the excuses are a long list of bull.. I just didnt want to ever let anyone in close enough to hurt me.

This defense mechanism has protected me all of my life, from all kinds of predators, even partners, family, friends, etc.

But out of concrete a rose can bloom...

During my single time I have learned to love me, to truly love me, my ideas, my thoughts, my values. I have learned to enjoy the time to get to know me, and I learned just what a great person I am. I didnt get lonely, I actually got content with knowing, when my soul mate comes he will come, and God will control that, but God doesnt want me goofing around with the losers in between. I felt like he had something planned for me, and I trusted it. I thru all the predetermined decisions about what I do or dont do, need or dont need, out the window, because they are all products of ego. I decided to let go of the illusion that I want to remain single I acknowledged that I do want a life partner some day and not just any partner, THE partner.

Then after not noticing, for years.. I woke up and smelled the spray paint.. He was a friend for years, and he was always there, consistenty, without being pushy or aggressive, he has always been confident, supportive, kind, and caring, he was always there, birthdays, parties, even my exe's funeral dinner. He was a friend, for soo long and he was also very overlooked.

One day, after he was just doing what he does, being loving and kind and sweet just as he always is, somethgin stood out to me, something he said. I had realized at that moment that I had taken this man for granted. I had read his e-cards, and emails with very little real appreciation, opened his cards, letters, drwings, gifts, and didnt see the kind of consideration that these things came fro, and the though he put into it.. I kicked myself reall hard right in the butt and immediately realized that something had been in frotn of me waitign patiently for me to notice it gave me time and gently let me slowly become aware and this beautiful man was in the next moment .. the life of my life... I can see our future long long and beautiful.. He, the very next day, said he had something to tell me, and he let out of all his feelings and he poured his entire sould out onto the message. When I told him the feeling was mutual it was the official start of something amazing.
As days pass he has already said that he is in love me, and I figured that since we know eachotehr we would go from 0 to 100 in no time flight and we have. I have yet to tell him I love him, I am letting the feelings grow organically only heart can decide that and I dont want to tell him until I know I love him mind body spirit and soul. So he will have to wait but he is fine with that.. He doesnt mind the distance he has already said he will love nad cheriwsh me and my children, I mean his values are those of a real man.. Not a child, he is a provider, supporter, lover, good family man.. I am lucky to have him in my heart and I cant wait to have him in my arms...

My very own blog!!

Say whaat!
I am the queen of meditative and reflective journal keeping. I have been using the same journal for years until suddenly Oprah decides to delete years and years of peoples thoughts and journals on her website with no fair warning!! So I am starting over...

I am a fashion loving, jewelry designing, vegetarian mother of 2.
I am always seeking to enlighten myself and enrich my life culturally and socially.